Then I Knew

I wrote this poem last October. It is kind of a filet of my heart, on a topic which I have hardly touched on this blog–that of my broken marriage. To be honest it has been such a raw and painful and traumatic place that I haven’t even wanted to broach it here. I was in a whirlwind, trying to figure out what in the hell I was supposed to do.

I’m choosing to share these things now, not because I want to blast at my former spouse, but as a declaration for myself, of who I am and what I’m choosing and what God is calling me to choose. I know that now without a shadow of a doubt. I know that the choice that I have made pleases Him, as contradictory as that may seem to anyone looking from the outside.

The hardest thing for me in this process has been letting go of my dreams of what I wanted–a happily ever after. And facing my biggest fear–being a failure. But, I have come to know that though this marriage died a horrible, painful death, out of the ashes God has made me new.

I am choosing to share this for my own healing and for Someone who can relate and knows the same pain and confusion and hell as me. Someone, I want to assure you that you are not alone. I’ve walked it too.

If that One is you–I love you! Remember, you’re strong, you’re valuable, and God is bringing you the biggest-better-living-life you ever dreamed of on the heels of this death. God bless you!

God planted a seed–

Almost nine years ago–

A seed of love

And a witness

Of where I must go.

‘Twas with you and yours

A new Journey began.

I know the moment

When I knew–

My whole chest

Swelled,

Warm,

Wonderfully moving,

Repeating the mantra

Of “I love you.”

And you said you felt it too.

‘Twas that “good seed swelling,”

As Alma talks about.

Then I knew.

 

Time has passed

And we have traveled

Through some vales of tears.

Needless to count the heartaches

We’ve had these past years.

At times I wondered

If I had what it took

To get through “this one”.

Each time, somehow,

I was pulled through–

Until now.

Last year

I started praying

To know

If the path you trod was His.

Then you landed up in jail.

And had to be helped out

So Papa paid your bail.

Though we’ve all regretted that.

 

Nearly a year since that time

Passed in sorrow and upheaval.

Love was a word lightly spoken,

But not much more than that.

Love lacked luster and beauty.

It was lost in blood stained duty.

The love I once knew

Was replaced by resentment, anger

And sometimes even hate.

Though I was ashamed and afraid

To admit that.

Especially to you.

I hated the want-to-be man

That you’d become

And the woman

You wanted me to be.

I resisted and tussled

Inside myself,

Trying to find my voice.

You were all too quick

To squelch and douse

What you didn’t

Want to hear–

And I don’t blame you.

If it were the other way around

I might not want to hear it either.

I love the you that I once knew.

The man God gave me a love for.

The person that you’ve become

Has traces of the one I knew,

But they’re hard for me to find.

Sometimes I wonder if they’re even there.

It’s like looking for a grain of sand

On the seashore.

Will I ever find the you I knew

Again?

 

I suppose it’s not all your fault

That we’re in this pickle.

I can see some of my own flaws and faults.

And in some places I’ve been fickle.

I’ve tried to stick it out

And be the wife you wanted.

But the wife I think you want

Isn’t the wife I want to be.

If we are to “stick it out,”

As you more than once

Pressured me to promise,

What would the terms be?

All compromise on my part

Even to the loss

Of my own identity?

If that’s the cost,

I cannot pay–

‘Tis too expensive for me.

 

I look at the plant

That this union has grown

And I feel disgusted and sick

Some good,

Most bad,

Which will stick?

If going forward

The only fruit

That I will find

Is bad

Then, seems to me,

‘Tis the time to uproot and replant.

But if, on some slim slight chance,

This tree has got a shot

At bearing some fruit worth eating

Then I guess ’tis my lot

To find a way

Through my efforts

To produce something good.

If all that’s lacking

Is my fault

Then I alone am responsible

To repair the damage done.

But if it’s not

And I’ve done all

That’s in my power to do,

Then it’s time to say goodbye

To what then I knew.

To be honest,

I no longer know

What my lot will be.

It seems the lot is being cast again

To see what my path will be:

To repair or rebuild

Or start over with a new seed.

My future destiny?

It feels unknown to me

For what then I knew

I no longer know.

I pray my God will bless me

With knowledge and a testimony,

A witness that I cannot deny.

That I will know which path to take,

And what His divine will is for me–

That if ’tis His will for me to stay

And work my way with you

That He’ll rekindle all the love,

Testimony and witness

That I once knew.

But, if not,

And ’tis His will

To move on to another–

That a new seed of love,

Testimony and witness

Will be given

Far stronger than the last

To pull me through the tests of life

Until the last dye is cast.

 

I pray the Father will see us through

Wether we travail together

Or progress apart.

And that in time

We at least can meet as friends.

Though maybe not as lovers.

I’m trying to forgive you

For what a jerk you’ve been

And to forgive myself

For not being as I should have been.

I’ve been wimpy and lacked backbone

On things for which I needed to be strong.

Forgive me, please,

For not being the woman

You really needed

Though maybe didn’t always want.

I don’t want to be wishy-washy,

Ambivalent and vacillating,

But I am

And I have been.

I love you and I hate you,

By turns.

I don’t know that I’m much good for you

With where I’m at right now.

Nor do I think you’re much good for me.

I am at an impasse

And a loss

To know what to say or do

In regards to you.

I think all I have to say at present

Will just make things worse

And make the chasm between us

Ever deeper.

As much as I wish

I had an answer

To give you right now

That’s final and for sure–

As much for you

As for myself–

I don’t.

My stance right now is

Wait.

Everything is on hold

As far as you and me and us,

Everything is on hold.

I can’t continue or pursue

Until I’ve got my bearings.

I wish I could end the agony of waiting.

If you think I’m worth the wait

And the risk of loosing.

Then I know you will.

But if not,

Then it’s all over

For I no longer know

What then I knew

That pulled me through

And there’s nothing more to be said.

 

~Thoughts From A Mother’s Heart

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