My life the last month and a half has been quite the experience. I’ve about had another mental break down, and I’ve watched my oldest son almost follow suite. He’s only seven years old. I didn’t know that you could have a mental breakdown at that age. He’s had a lot of the same earmarks that I have had. It’s been interesting to be walking through this experience together. I find him echoing things that I have felt–feeling like no one knows him or understands him.
We’ve been going to our NAET doctor through this experience and I have learned so much about myself and so much about my son. How much my son just needs me to listen to him. Not fix him, just listen. How often have I needed the same thing.
I found this quote on pinterest the other day:
I don’t want you to save me.
I want you to stand by my side as I save myself.
This is so true in my own life and in watching my son.
My son has needed a lot of one on one time lately, to the point that my other two kids have been feeling left out and somewhat neglected. Last night I got so frustrated because I felt like there’s just not enough of me to go around for my three kids. They’ve all been needy and wanted me all the time. Sometimes me just leaving the house leaves one or more of my kids in tears. Last night I hit a breaking point.
My oldest was so upset at me, he started lashing out and saying he hated me and that I wasn’t good enough and a bunch of other things. I found myself yelling back, “You think I don’t know that!” We both ended up bawling in our own little corner of the house. I could hear him crying as I sobbed.
I just found myself crying to Jesus…I want to be what my son needs me to be, and yet I am falling so short of everything he needs. I’m giving everything I have and my best isn’t good enough. I feel like I’m constantly scrapping the bottom of a very dry barrel. I feel God scraping the bottom of my well and it keeps coming up dry. Sometimes I wonder how much deeper He’s going to dig before He finds water.
Going to my NAET doctor has been a huge help. My son and I have been able to get rid of a bunch of garbage that is contributing to our state of health. We’re dumping trash as fast as we can and it keeps coming. Sometimes I wonder how much garbage a person can possibly have! It seems never ending lately and I feel so overwhelmed at times–like the tide of generational garbage is swallowing me whole as it goes over the edge to be discarded. It’s like the garbage is a river and waterfall, and I’m standing in the middle of it and it takes everything I have not to go over the edge.
I watch my son as he tries to explain to me how he feels and what’s going on inside him and I hear him echoing so many of my own feelings. He keeps so much inside himself, to hear him finally talking and telling me what he’s going through is both relieving and heartbreaking. Oh, my little boy! I would have spared you if I could. But it seems God’s will is that we walk this trail of tears together.
After we’d both done some of our crying bout alone, I found him on his bed, still crying. I sat down and scooped him up in my arms and we both sobbed there together. I told him how sorry I was that I wasn’t good enough and for all my failures. I told him I’d keep trying. My son, in-between crying sobs, told me “I forgive you”. No other words are so sweet to me right now.
At one point, I took his face in my hands and looked him in the eye and said, “No matter what happens, or how bad it gets, I’m here and we’re going to do this together. I’m not giving up. God help me, we are going to get through this.”
The last few weeks I had a memory come back to me on more than one occasion. I had been staying at a friend’s house for the weekend. I knelt to say my prayers one night before I went to bed, and I felt a boy. I knew that he would be my first born child. He was scared that he would have to go through what I had gone through. I spoke to him and wrote down somewhere, that if he did have to go through that, that I would help him and he wouldn’t have to do it alone. How true those words have rang the last few weeks.
I don’t know how long God intends to leave us broken, or what lies between the present and wholeness, but I do know that God loves me and He loves my son. In spite of all the pressures and crap we’ve been digging out of, God’s been merciful and I didn’t end up in the hospital this time. It got awfully close to that. This time, I didn’t have to spend two months away from my kids. I can thank God for that!
We may not be out of the woods yet. We may not be healed yet. There’s a lot more to go from here. But day by day, we are making progress, even if it’s somewhat slow. Any progress is better than no progress.
It’s kind of hard for me to expose our lives in this way, but I find myself wanting to reach out, instead of shut down, like I often have in the past. My son is being brave and reaching out to me. I will be brave and reach out to you. I’m broken, and I know it. I’m a mess, and I know it. My life is not a picnic. Sometimes it feels like hell on wheels. But day by day, God is showing me that He cares and that I don’t walk alone, that my son doesn’t walk alone. We’re in this together. God and me and my son, together. We are not alone.
Here’s a few songs I’ve listened to the last few weeks that have helped me keep my sanity: Music Therapy, it makes a difference!
Steady My Heart by Kari Jobe
I Am Not Alone by Kari Jobe
Find You On My Knees by Kari Jobe
Here by Kari Jobe
Come Alive (Dry Bones) by Lauren Daigle
Trust In You by Lauren Daigle
Holding On by the Piano Guys
It’s Gonna Be Okay by the Piano Guys
Get Back Up Again from Trolls
True Colors from Trolls
Can’t Stop The Feeling from Trolls
We all have times when we are dry as dry can be. That’s the time when we need to connect to the fountain of living waters, even Jesus Christ. From Him we can get the water we need to not only fill ourselves, but fill those around us who need us too.
~Thoughts From A Mother’s Heart