You know, sometimes, and tonight, or rather, this morning, was one of those times, I found myself looking through my book where I keep a hard copy of all the words to my poems and songs that I’ve written so far. I find myself, maybe it’s a silly thing, but I find myself wanting to be known for who I am. If just my husband, when ever I have one again, and my posterity, close loved ones and friends, know me, I would be content. I don’t know why but there’s this longing in me to be known.
I’ve spent so much of my life struggling. Listening. Observing. Trying.
And now I just find myself wanting to be heard, but more than heard. Understood. But even more than that, I want to be fully known.
I fill like if I were to die without someone knowing me completely, my life would be a, well, just a waste.
That causes me to turn the question around. I was raised by parents who taught me to do that. Is there anyone that I fully know? To be honest, I don’t know that I do. And that makes me feel. So. Very. Alone.
And yet, deep inside I know there is at least One Person that knows me inside and out. And I hope that someday I know Him inside and out. If the only One I’m ever known by is Him, then maybe that’s enough.
I remember reading in scripture those places where it says that you’ll see as you are seen and be known as you are known, or something like that. Then too, there’s this book called Visions of Glory that I absolutely love. In the book there’s this part where they talk about knowing each other. That you have this connection with others, you know their whole story and what made them who they are now. At the time the thought of other people being able to know me completely like that terrified me, but now I feel totally different. I feel like it would be such a relief. Finally someone knows, someone understands, someone realizes, and in being known, understood and realized in that moment, for as long as it lasts, I am fully known.
It makes me wonder, how many of us really know each other like we think we do. How many of us feel like we are walking among complete strangers all the time. How many of us feel known.
There have been times where I thought I was known by someone only to realize in places they didn’t know or understand me at all. Did they feel that way about me too? Sometimes people accuse us of motives that we didn’t have, thoughts we didn’t think, feelings we didn’t feel, because they are judging us through the lens of their own hearts, thoughts and experiences. To really know someone, we have to put on the lens of truth, not our own personal lens, because our own personal lenses are filtered, and not always according to truth.
I was reading in Alma chapters 11-14, 31, prepping for another True Love Dare post, and it was a virtual gold mine. So many nuggets of yumminess. There was one part there that jumped out at me that fits into what I’m sharing here:
Now when Alma had spoken these words, Zeezrom began to tremble more exceedingly, for he was convinced more and more of the power of God; and he was also convinced that Alma and Amulet had a knowledge of him, for he was convinced that they knew the thoughts and intents of his heart; for power was given unto them that they might know of these things according to the spirit of prophecy.
This just really spoke to me because, God does have the capacity to reveal who we are, to make us fully known to someone else, if it is in His plan and purpose. As I read that, I realized that I had experienced that with a few people to some extent or another. Most of them are close to me. Not that that matters. But sometimes we get so blind looking through our own filters we can’t see the truth of what God has to show us. We have to be willing to lean on Him and trust that His way is truth and light, and when we do, He is able to open up to us things we never before thought He could or would. I don’t know about you, but I have been surprised sometimes with what God has revealed to me personally.
You know, truth be told, sometimes, being fully known is really vulnerable. If people really knew me, would they still choose me? I used to be terrified that people would find out who I really am and wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. But the reality is, if someone can’t love me in my most broken places, like Jesus does, if they don’t know me in my most broken places, like Jesus does, they are missing out on the most fundamental things that make me who I am. It is because of my brokenness that Christ has worked so powerfully in my life. It is in my brokenness that Christ reached out and connected with me. Sure, He connected with me in the whole places too, but the places where our knowing of each other got real deep is where He connected with my broken places, my wounds, my scars, my heartaches and tears. I found out from Him that I am loved in my brokenness by the One who matters most. And that through those broken places, He empowers me to be a tool of healing for others.
If I hadn’t had the life I’ve had, walked the journey I have, experienced the hardship and heartache, all the ups and downs and ebbs and flows–and sometimes it seems like I’ve spent more time in the Valley of Humiliation than anywhere else–but it is because of those places that I have any capacity to comprehend anything of any depth or worth. It is because of those places that I value the blessing of healing and wholeness. It is because of those places that I have compassion on other people and their brokenness–whether physical, spiritual, mental or emotional. We are all broken and in need of healing. The greater our brokenness, the greater capacity for our compassion and love to develop.
Think of Christ. Did He not descend below us all, below all our brokenness, all our shame, all our sin–He experienced it all that He might know what we experienced so that He knew what to give us so that we might be healed. Think of those hardest times,
He knows them, just as you know them. More than you know them. And He does not come to know them to condemn you, but to know you. And to bring you to complete wholeness. To perfect happiness. And perfect peace.
Opening ourselves up to be known can be scary. But if we are in constant fear of being found out for who we really are, I think in a lot of places, we don’t know ourselves as much as we think we do. Sometimes we need to put on Christ’s lens and how He sees us. Because He is the only One who sees us truthfully and we can trust what He says about us and who He says we are. He knows all our secrets, all our pains, all those things that we don’t know how to share or say, all our brokenness, all our generational baggage, all our shame. He knows us down to the littlest detail and the biggest monument within our souls. And He loves us still the same.
He never asked us to be perfect or without sin. All He asks is that we will repent and come unto Him, who heals without money and without price. All we have to do is believe enough to look up. Believe enough arise and walk to Him. He welcomes us with open arms. For with Him we are fully known and fully loved.
All my love,
~Thoughts From A Mother’s Heart